


Avenging with the Nine-Nine

by DoctorGeekery



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers VS B99, Fluff, Fun Avengers, Gen, Good-natured betrayals, Humor, Pranks and Practical Jokes, The Avengers join in the Halloween Heist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2020-07-30 21:14:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20103715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorGeekery/pseuds/DoctorGeekery
Summary: Peter Parker didn't know the group of Brooklyn detectives could be so fun. Jake Peralta can't believe he knows superheroes. Tony Stark is bewildered by their friendship. Rosa Diaz thinks the Black Widow is hot.Or, the Brooklyn Nine-Nine/Avengers Crossover heist fic you've been waiting for.





	1. A Spider in the Precinct

The story of how the squad from Brooklyn’s 99th precinct came to standing in front of the Avengers Tower was a strange one. It began around a year and a half ago when New York’s best detective, Jake Peralta, had been chasing a suspect in a robbery down the street. Jake had been dodging people, leaping over trash cans, feeling like the ultimate parkour champion, when all of a sudden the criminal stopped in his tracks. Jake didn’t realize what had caused him to stop until he saw some strange, clear sticky-substance binding the criminal’s legs together. Jake’s head swiveled around until-

“SPIDER-MAN!” Jake yelled. Spider-Man quickly leapt off the wall, which he had been sticking on, and stood next to Jake. His brain nearly short circuited. Jake had heard of the infamous wall crawler in New York, as discussing vigilantes such as Spider-Man or Daredevil was a common topic of conversation amongst cops. A lot of cops (i.e. the boring ones) thought Spider-Man was a menace, but Jake and most of the 99 thought he was the coolest person ever. Okay, maybe only Jake thought he was the coolest person ever, but the rest of them were at least appreciative of his efforts.

“Hello Mr. Policeman sir!” Spider-Man shouted, holding up a hand in an awkward salute.

This prompted him to begin his word vomit. It was a miracle he’d lasted this long. “Oh my gosh it’s Spider-Man! Wait until I tell Gina! Wait, wait, I have a set list of questions I planned to ask you if I ever met you. Do you like Die Hard? What are your feelings on John McClane? Have you ever been locked in a tower with a bunch of terrorists? Is Iron Man actually Tony Stark like everyone claims or is the conspiracy theory that Tony Stark is just masquerading as Iron Man but it’s really someone else true? Did your powers come from a spider?” Jake said all of this very rapidly, terrified of forgetting a question.

Spider-Man laughed and quickly answered his questions. “Yes, I love Die Hard, John McClane is awesome, I haven’t been locked in a tower with any terrorists before but I did fight a battle inside Oscorp Tower before so that might count, Tony Stark is actually Iron Man, and yes, my powers did come from a spider.”

“Cool cool cool cool cool,” Jake said quickly, trying not to reveal how intensely he was fanboying out. “Oh, and I’m Jake Peralta. I know you, obviously, you’re Spider-Man. Did I already say that? I think I did. Do you want to bring this suspect back to my precinct with me? If I say I met Spider-Man Charles is the only one who’s going to believe me.”

“Sure!” Spider-Man said happily. “I can meet you there! Where is it?”

Jake quickly rattled off the precinct address, and after Spider-Man swung off and Jake turned to face the criminal, he quickly realized his mistake.

“Hey Terry,” Jake said into his phone. “Can you come here with a police car and your muscles? I got my suspect, but his legs are tied up with web thingies and I can’t carry him…”

A half an hour later, Terry had the criminal locked up in the precinct, and Jake stood outside, waiting for Spider-Man to show up. What if Spider-Man didn’t show up? He had web fluid, surely he should be her right now. Oh no, what if he thought Jake was totally lame, what if he was lying about liking Die Hard-

“Sorry I’m late, I stopped a few muggings on the way here,” Spider-Man said, breathless as he swung down off the top of building, landing perfectly in front of the door.

“How do you see so many muggings?” Jake asked. He stopped muggings occasionally, but the number that Spider-Man saw and stopped was ridiculous.

“I’m commonly swinging up really high so I have like a bird’s-eye view of everything. I see a lot of blocks and have a good view of secluded alleyways,” Spider-Man explained.

“Ohhh that makes a lot of sense,” Jake said, nodding.

The two of them finally entered the Brooklyn 99 precinct, and silence quickly followed. The uniformed officers of the precinct were all gaping in silence. The manner of the detectives, however, had barely changed. They were all hunched over their desks, not even noticing the change in the atmosphere. Amy and Charles were groveling over paperwork. Hitchcock and Scully appeared to be throwing paper clips at each other, oblivious to their surroundings. Gina was on her phone, and Rosa wasn’t even in the room. Only Terry had looked up, and he had known Spider-Man was coming. Clearly, Jake would have to rectify this situation.

“HELLO NINE NINE!” Jake shouted, making his grand entrance. He cleared his voice and entered his deep, movie star voice that Rosa had told him was ridiculous more than once. “Today, I present to you one of New York’s bravest heroes. He faces more crime than anyone else, and has suffered, deeply, with the terrible burden of awesomeness. Today, he has helped bring one more criminal to justice. He is the amazing, the one and only, SPIDER-MAN!” The whole precinct burst into applause at the conclusion of Jake’s speech, and Spider-Man gave an awkward wave. “Questions? Yes, Boyle?”

“How did you and Jake meet?” Charles asked.

“Great question, Spider-Man was fighting the Russian mob and I valiantly saved him,” Jake said.

“Actually, that’s not-” Spider-Man began, but was quickly interrupted by Jake.

“TERRY! What’s your question?” Jake asked.

“My daughters are huge fans of yours. Could you sign the drawings my daughters made of you? They would love it,” Terry said hesitantly.

“Of course!” Spider-Man said happily. He headed over to Terry’s desk and started signing a few of the very numerous Spider-Man drawings.

After Spider-Man finished talking to Terry, Jake dragged him around the precinct to introduce him to everyone else. “There’s Charles Boyle, the one who looks like he’s about to faint-”

“-Jake, this is the best thing to have ever happened in my life,” Charles said.

“Better than the day you adopted Nikolaj?” Jake asked.

“First of all, it’s _Nikolaj_, and yes, much better,” Charles responded.

“It’s nice to meet you Detective Boyle,” Spider-Man said, holding out his hand formally.

“Oh my god,” Charles said as he shook his hand, and this time, Charles did actually faint and fall onto the floor.

“He’ll be fine,” Jake said, although Spider-Man looked very concerned. “Anyhow, over here is my wonderful girlfriend, Amy Santiago.”

“Hi,” Amy said, looking flustered and shaking Spider-Man’s hand quickly. “Why do you like being a vigilante? You don’t get to do any of the paperwork!”

“You-you like doing paperwork?” Spider-Man said, looking startled by her comment.

“Of course I like paperwork!” Amy said passionately. “After you arrest a suspect, there’s nothing better than filling out all the forms, and it’s so satisfying when it’s all done. But when you’re a vigilante, you don’t get to experience any of that!”

“Oh, erm, that’s okay. I don’t really like paperwork,” Spider-Man said, still looking very confused.

“HE DOESN’T-” Amy started shouting in disbelief, before Jake cut her off with a very quick peck on the lips.

“It’s okay Ames, not everyone likes paperwork,” Jake said. “C’mon Spider-Man, you have to meet Gina. She’s one of my oldest friends and… she’s not paying attention.” Jake and Spider-Man stood over Gina’s desk, but unfortunately for them, Gina had her phone in front of her face. “Gina, look up. Spider-Man’s here!”

“Who dat?” Gina said, still not looking up from her phone.

Jake rolled his eyes, exasperated. “GINA! You know who Spider-Man is! You talk about how hot that skin-tight suit is like every other day.”

“Uh-erm-” Spider-Man said, sounding a bit uncomfortable. He kept shifting from foot to foot.

“It looks like Gina’s writing a tweet,” Terry said, who had followed them over to Gina’s desk. “She says… ‘Deathly boring day at work. My co-workers are the worst. #MyDayIn10Words’. Seriously, Gina?”

“Spider-Man’s here!” Jake said, deeply offended.

“The people want content that’s relatable,” Gina said simply. Jake had to acknowledge that she had a point. If people were looking for relatability, a superhero showing up at the office wasn’t that.

Before they could pursue the problem of Gina any further, Rosa had wandered over to Gina’s desk. “Who’s this?” Rosa asked, gesturing at Spider-Man. She’d clearly missed out on Jake’s epic speech.

“I’m Spider-Man,” Spider-Man said proudly, standing up straight and puffing out his chest.

Rosa eyed him up and down with a critical look. “Who made that costume, your mom?” Rosa and Gina exchanged a no-look high-five.

“Let’s ignore Rosa,” Jake decided. He kicked open the door to Captain Holt’s office (well, in his mind he kicked the door open, but in reality he wasn’t strong enough so he pulled the doorknob instead) and shouted, “CAPTAIN HOLT! LOOK!”. Captain Holt, who was sitting at his desk, took off his glasses and looked critically at Spider-Man, who was now standing in the doorway.

“Ah, yes. The Red–And–Blue–Costumed–Vigilante–Who–Swings–Using–An–Unknown–Chemical–Substance–And–Takes–Down–Primarily–Petty–Criminals–In–Queens… Man,” Holt said.

“You could just call him Spider-Man,” Jake suggested.

Holt stood up, and Jake knew they were in for something big. “No Jake, that would make me look ridiculous. This man bares little resemblance to an actual spider. Most obviously, he lacks tagmata, eight jointed legs, chelicerae, and pedipalps. He does not have a cephalothorax either, and is missing countless other features. Calling him a ‘Spider-Man’ is improper, as he clearly more resembles a man than a spider. That’s why I call him the Red–And–Blue–Costumed–Vigilante–Who–Swings–Using–An–Unknown–Chemical–Substance–And–Takes–Down–Primarily–Petty–Criminals–In–Queens–Man. I’m no fool.”

“Riiight,” Jake said.

“It is a pleasure to meet you,” Holt said, approaching Spider-Man and holding out his hand to shake.

“Er… right, you too,” Spider-Man said, sounding a bit bewildered. “I have to say, I haven’t been inside many police precincts, but this is almost certainly not what I was expecting.”

“Your presence will always be welcome here,” Captain Holt said. “Since your first appearance, crime rates in Queens have gone down by 12%, and crime rates in Brooklyn have only gone down by 3%. If you were to increase your presence in Brooklyn, then crime rates will go down further in Brooklyn. Of course, as we all know correlation is not causation, so these crime rates can not entirely be attributed to you, but I believe you are a large factor.”

“Yes, come round to Brooklyn more!” Jake said happily. He turned around and faced Spider-Man. “Please? We have snacks. You can have Terry’s yogurt.”

“You know, I might come around Brooklyn some more. You guys seem fun,” Spider-Man said. Jake pumped his fist in the air. Success! “I really have to go though, there’s some people who are waiting on me.”

“Yeah, no doubt no doubt,” Jake said. The pair shook hands, and Spider-Man headed towards the balcony overlooking on their floor. After Spider-Man had leapt off the side of the building, Jake watched Spider-Man swing through the city briefly until he disappeared from sight. “So cool,” Jake sighed.

That day had born a friendship, one between an over-excited New York detective and a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Since that day, Spider-Man visited Brooklyn more frequently, making sure to swing by the 99th precinct. He did take Jake’s offer on the yogurt, much to Terry’s disappointment. It wasn’t uncommon to enter the break room and see Spider-Man napping on the couch. The 99th Precinct became the most famous police station in New York, with Spider-Man fans standing outside hoping for a glimpse of the hero. But these fans were kept out of the precinct, because the 99 prided themselves on providing a comfortable refuge for the web-slinging vigilante.

Of course, everything changed once the other Avengers got involved.


	2. A Concerned Father

For once in his life, Tony was bored. It wasn’t a very common phenomenon, as he always had so many things to do. But between Pepper running Stark Industries, and Steve back and running the Avengers once more, Tony didn’t have very many responsibilities. Of course, there were things he could be doing – there always were – but he didn’t feel like doing them at the moment. What he really wanted to do was just hang out with Peter, the Spider-kid who was always an enjoyable presence.

“FRIDAY, where’s Peter?” Tony asked, spinning around one of the chairs in his lab. His AI responded within moments.

“Peter Parker is currently in Brooklyn’s 99th Police Precinct,” FRIDAY replied. Tony fell out of his chair, shocked. Peter was in jail? He had been arrested? And he hadn’t even tried to contact Tony? Maybe he hadn’t had the opportunity. Shit, shit, _ shit _.

“FRIDAY-” Tony began, but his AI cut him off.

“Already on it boss,” FRIDAY said, and one of his Iron Man suits detached itself from the wall and zoomed towards him. Tony smiled, despite the situation. His AI knew him so well. The second the suit finished materializing around his body, Iron Man shot off, breaking the window to his lab in the process. He really should stop doing that, but this was Peter. Time was of the essence.

FRIDAY pointed out the building where the police precinct was, and Tony landed on the sidewalk just outside the building. Passersby stopped in their tracks and stared as the Iron Suit melted away, concealing itself in a small pocket of Tony’s chest. Tony paid them no mind, and burst through the doors of the precinct. The tracker on his wrist, disguised as a watch, directed him towards Peter, and Tony ran up a flight of stairs and down a few hallways. He entered a bustling room with many desks and many officers, yet he continued to follow his tracker until…

There he was. It was Peter, but he was still in Spider-Man suit. He hadn’t been demasked. Looking wildly around, Tony quickly realized that this wasn’t an interrogation room. Peter was sitting on a couch, there was a fridge in the corner… this was a Break Room. Peter wasn’t even restrained. In fact, Peter was chatting happily to a man next to him.

“P-Spider-Man?” Tony said, feeling a bit bewildered.

“Mr. Stark!” Peter said, leaping to his feet. “What are you doing here?”

“I was – FRIDAY told me you were in a police precinct – I thought you’d been arrested!” Tony sputtered out.

Peter doubled over laughing. “I’ve been here a dozen times over the past several months,” he said.

“And, uh, who…” Tony gestured to the man sitting next to Peter, lost for words. This was not what he was expecting to find. The man leapt up from the couch, the widest grin on his face, and began shaking Tony’s hand very quickly.

“OH MY GOD it’s Iron Man! I’m Jake Peralta, the best cop in the city, which is what anyone who’s ever met me will tell you, no doubt, and I can’t believe you’re here! And you’re real! Are you actually real or are you like an alien duplicate? I guess you’re real because Spider-Man mentions you occasionally but like, I didn’t expect this, also is that triangle on your chest where your suit is kept and also is Captain America as hot as he looks on T.V.? Is Captain America or Thor more bangable, in your educated opinion, since you’ve met both? Spider-Man says he’s met Captain America before but not Thor, unless he’s lying.” Jake had said all of this so fast that he barely even breathed. In fact, after this ramble, Jake was panting for breath.

Tony gawked at this man. Sure, he had met huge fans of him before, but never any who quite went on like this. For once in his life, he didn’t know what to say. It was a new feeling.

“Spider-Man, what do you think?” Jake said, turning to Peter.

“Uh… Thor, probably. Have you seen those muscles?” Peter offered.

Jake burst into an even bigger smile. “Right you are. Though there is something attractive about the whole ‘truth, justice, and American way’ schtick Cap has going on. What do you think, Mr. Tony Stark Iron Man sir?”

“Wait… what was the question?” Tony asked. He was bewildered by the topic change, and honestly wasn’t sure what was happening with the rapid-fire banter the detective and Peter had going on. To put it lightly, he wasn’t expecting this. He hadn’t even known Peter knew any cops, nevermind got along so well with them. Was this in his reports to Happy?

“He’ll definitely say Captain America,” Peter said. “You can feel the sexual tension whenever the pair of them are in the same room.”

Tony sputtered, shocked by the suggestion.

Peter cackled gleefully. “See, you’re not even denying it.”

With no other choice, Tony turned to Peralta and said, “I’ve just met you, but I can already tell that you’ve been a terrible influence on my son.” It took a whole five seconds, a whole terrifying five seconds, before Tony realized what he had said. “I mean… Spider-Man… you’ve been a terrible influence on _ Spider-Man _…”

Peralta burst out laughing. “I’ve done that before, except I called my Captain my dad. Speaking of which…” Jake leaned towards the doorway of the Break Room, and shouted, “DAD!” Within a few seconds, a large black man, who was clearly not Peralta’s biological father, walked over to Tony Stark.

“It is a pleasure to meet you, Gold-And-Titanium-Alloy Man,” he said. “I am Captain Raymond Holt. I take it you’ve met Detective Jake Peralta?”

“Er, yes,” Tony said. “I was coming to see Spider-Man, since I heard that he was here, and I thought he was in legal trouble. He’s not, then?”

“No, he’s not in any trouble. He visits us occasionally and even helps Peralta on a few of his cases. He’s a welcome addition to the precinct.”

“Jake was just telling me about the Halloween Heist that he won,” Peter piped in. “It was yesterday.”

Holt whirled around to face Spider-Man, and his calm, polite demeanor had suddenly changed. “Peralta won on a technicality! He swiped the medallion from my fingers twelve seconds before midnight! I’m the one who figured out it was hidden in Hitchcock’s pizza box! But no, Peralta had to swipe the glory!”

Tony glanced between them all: furious Holt, cocky Peralta, and relaxed Peter- and asked, not sure if he wanted to know the answer, “What’s the Halloween Heist?”

That question was a big mistake. Jake and Holt immediately dived into the history of each and every heist they had ever done. Since Peter seemed to be listening attentively, Tony decided to listen to what they were saying. To his surprise, it actually seemed to be very interesting- they described each of their heists in great detail, and Tony began thinking about how he could incorporate the heists with the Avengers. It could be an interesting team building exercise. He ought to talk to Steve about it.

“The Halloween Heist next year should be with the Avengers!” Peter shouted.

“YES! Oh my gosh, it would be this amazing battle… my wits against the Avengers,” Peralta said. “I would enter the tower, dressed in my janitorial disguise… steal their precious belongings, and then they’d find out, and we’d have this epic battle at the precinct, but I will have designed a bunch of traps, and they’ll fall into all of them. Then I’ll take a celebratory selfie!”

“Well, you can’t be disguised as a janitor anymore, since Mr. Stark and I just heard,” Peter pointed out.

“The Avengers have mind-wiping technology, right? I could steal that,” Peralta suggested.

“We don’t have mind-wiping technology, actually,” Tony said, finally inserting himself into this bonkers of a conversation. He made another mental note to himself, this time to look into mind-wiping technology when he was back at his lab.

“Darn. Can’t use that plan then. But we can still do a heist with the Avengers, right?” Peralta asked.

“Yes, please?” Peter said. “Pretty, please Mr. Stark?” Peter was hopping up and down, looking like this was the only thing he would ever want in the world.

“You look like a 10-year-old asking for an ice cream cone,” Tony remarked. Quite frankly, he believed Peter and Peralta’s suggestion to be ridiculous. Sure, the heist sounded fun, he couldn’t argue with that– and yes, he was already scheming ideas that he could do using his Iron Man technology from the second Peralta began talking about it – but the idea of doing it was ludicrous, surely. The idea of pitching it to Natasha and Steve was laughable (even though he was already planning a victory speech inside his head). No, this idea would remain a fantasy, and nothing more.

“Mr. Stark, could we please do it?” Peter begged. “You’re always talking about how tense the team is sometimes – this could be a team bonding exercise! It would bring the Avengers closer together, and it would test your battle wits for actual battles, and it would be a great test in strategy-making! Come on, Mr. Stark, you know you want to.”

Tony was on the verge of saying no, but frankly, Peter did have some good points. In addition, the kid was giving him the sweetest, most adorable look, even with the full-face mask. The spider-eyes were widened, and he looked like a puppy. Tony didn’t want to kick that puppy.

“I… I’ll let you swing by the tower sometime, and you can propose the idea to the Avengers,” Tony said, finally relenting.

“YES!” Peter shouted, and he and Jake triumphantly shared a high-five. Tony shook his head in amusement.

At that moment in time, Tony had no idea what he had just done. He had no idea that Peter would follow through with telling all of the Avengers, and he had no idea that the Avengers would take Peter’s suggestion to heart. He had no idea that months of planning and collaboration were about to take place, and that the very next Halloween, in one year’s time Brooklyn’s 99th Precinct would find themselves on the steps of Avengers Tower.


	3. Avengers Tower

Jake Peralta stood at the feet of Avengers Tower, certain that he had somehow died. Sure, he’d met Spider-Man and Iron Man, but that was nothing compared to actually being in front of Avengers Tower. It was so tall, and from here he couldn’t even see the top of the building. Beautiful mirrored glass sparkled in the sunlight, and Jake knew the inside of the tower would be infinitely more interesting. This was the home of the _ Avengers _.

“Squad! Are we ready?” Captain Holt asked. Jake nervously nodded, too scared to even blabber something out like he normally did. He studied the ashen faces around him- Amy looked like she did before she took her Sergeant’s exam, Charles looked like he might pass out any minute, Terry was sweating up a storm, and Holt looked even more solemn than normal. Scully looked like an absolutely terrible mess, similar to the time when he was forced to do a self-evaluation in front of Captain Holt. Hitchcock supported Scully, as Scully could barely stand. Despite acting as Scully’s support, Hitchcock seemed rather nervous himself. The only two people who looked somewhat normal, in fact, were Rosa and Gina. They looked utterly unphased.

The nine of them placed their hands in the middle, and shouted, “NINE-NINE!” Some feeling was restored to Jake’s limbs. He always felt a feeling of triumph after hearing that, as it usually accompanied victory.

They strolled through the lobby at the base of the tower, attempting to look more powerful than they actually were. Charles was definitely puffing out his chest. After being directed to the elevator by the security personnel, they packed themselves into the large elevator, and the AI, who identified herself as FRIDAY, took them up to the Avengers level.

Jake blinked as they stepped out of the elevator. They appeared to be in some sort of communal living area, with a mini kitchen on when end and a pair of couches facing a large television in the other. He was immediately overwhelmed by seeing nine of the Avengers all at once.

The first person Jake noticed was Spider-Man, as he was dangling upside-down from the ceiling, practically in Jake’s face. Relieved to see a familiar (if masked) face, Jake briefly stuck his tongue out at him. Spidey lifted his mask up to his nose so he could stick out his tongue back at Jake. Who needed maturity?

Leaning against the couch were five of the Avengers, all dressed down in t-shirts and jeans. Tony Stark stood there with his arms crossed, his eyes rolling at Jake and Spidey’s antics. Steve Rogers stood next to him, the corner of his mouth lifted in a small, barely noticeable smirk. Natasha Romanoff, ex-spy, stood against Steve’s shoulder, her eyes analytically flitting through each member of the squad. No doubt she was evaluating their weaknesses. Natasha and Rosa locked eyes for a moment, challenging one another, until they both averted their eyes at the exact same moment.

Beside Natasha stood Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes, Captain America’s two best friends. The pair of them had barely noticed the squad, in fact, they seemed to be holding a staring contest. They glared at one another, until after several seconds, they finally seemed to notice that they had company. Once they realized this, they finally turned to face the squad.

Bruce Banner stood by the kitchen counter on the other side of the room, looking incredulous and a little apprehensive. Next to Bruce stood Wanda Maximoff, who barely seemed to notice the squad, lost in her own thoughts. Finally, Scott Lang stood in the center of the room, decked out in his Ant-Man suit.

Tony Stark cleared his throat, seemingly addressing Jake. In two seconds flat, Jake swallowed down his internal fanboy screaming of Tony addressing him in front of all the Avengers, and attempted to pay attention to what he was trying to say.

“...Jake will introduce the rest of the squad to those of you who haven’t met them,” Tony finished saying. Jake honestly still didn’t quite believe that he was on first-name basis with Tony Stark.

“Hello Avengers! You are… Captain America, are those muscles real?” Jake asked, immediately distracted. Amy loudly cleared her throat and shot Jake a look. “Anyway, I am Jake Peralta, Brooklyn’s best detective and most awesome person alive. This is my wonderful wife, Amy, who is also a great detective and was recently made Sergeant! Not on our squad, she’s downstairs now, we already have a Sergeant. Actually, he recently made Lieutenant! He’s Lieutenant Terry Jeffords...” Jake rambled on, introducing everyone, and unfortunately his nervousness made him ramble, and he was positive he mentioned Captain America’s muscles several times throughout the course of the rest of the introductions. It wasn’t his fault that Captain America was the dreamiest person Jake had ever seen!

If Thor was here, Jake would probably die.

“... and finally, this is Gina Linetti, who used to be our civilian administrator, but she recently quit. Then she was in charge of, I think it was a cult, but then she told me that it fell apart and I actually don’t know what she does now,” Jake said.

“I’m the CEO of Linetti Confetti, which organizes birthday parties for the disabled children of celebrities,” Gina said. Jake was positive that was a lie – Gina hated titles that rhymed, she had told Jake on many occasions that she would never do that – but he didn’t say a word.

“Is that in… high demand?” Sam Wilson, the Falcon, asked.

“You’d be surprised,” Gina said, her blank expression not flickering at all.

Amy cautiously stepped forward and cleared her throat, her eyes briefly flitting down to the stack of papers in her hand. She looked much calmer than she had a few minutes ago, and Jake thought she was handling the pressure very well.

“Before we begin, I would like to announce the set of rules that Mr. Stark and I have drafted up in the months prior to this event. This set of rules I am about to list is in addition to rules previously established in the precinct’s heists,” Amy said, in her best Sergeant voice. Her eyes flitted to Stark, and he gave her an encouraging nod.

She cleared her throat and began reading off the page. “Number One: Because the Tower is the home turf of the Avengers, prior to today the Avengers have graciously gifted the Brooklyn 99 Squad with floor plans of the tower. The Avengers are not allowed to utilize any secret passages or secret rooms that may or may not exist during the duration of the event if they have not been listed on the floor plans given to the 99 squad.”

When she began reading the next rule Amy’s eyes flitted briefly over to Dr. Banner, and she read, “Number Two: Bruce Banner will not, to quote Mr. Stark, ‘hulk out’, at any point during the duration of the heist.” Banner seemed to give Amy a quick nod at this, and judging by Amy’s small, relieved smile, his cooperation was appreciated. None of them had met Banner before, so they weren’t quite sure what to expect.

“Number Three: FRIDAY and all other sources of Artificial Intelligence may not be utilized during this event. FRIDAY will be allowed for basic maintenance and functions of the tower, and she may be used to power Tony Stark’s suits, but she may not be issued a single command during the duration of the event.” Jake noted that Tony’s eyes seemed to be twinkling at this rule. Jake narrowed his eyes at Tony in what he hoped was a stern and suspicious way. He’d never been good at coming across as stern and suspicious. It probably made him look a bit silly.

Amy continued on her list. “Number Four: Wanda Maximoff may use her magic capabilities to move physical objects, but may not use her abilities to read minds or implant hallucinations.” Maximoff gave a small, sheepish smile.

“Number Five: The Avengers are not allowed to set up any traps in the Tower prior to the start of the Heist,” Amy finished. Jake madly tried to suppress his smile. He had worked very, very hard with Amy on the wording of this rule, and he was rather proud of the loophole it left. Everyone assumed, of course, that this rule was necessary because the Avengers were the only ones with access to the tower before the start of the heist. Everyone’s assumptions were wrong.

With the conclusions of the rules, Amy’s eyes flitted further down the page, and she finally got to the good bits: the goal of the heist. As far as Jake knew, only Amy, and one or two of the members of the Avengers, actually knew what they were stealing. They were under strict instructions to not reveal any details to the rest of their teams. The plans the squad had come up with would have to be altered accordingly once they found out what they would be stealing.

Amy cleared her throat, and then continued. “The objective of the heist: to steal Captain America’s shield, which has been placed on a table in the center of the Avengers Training Room. Mr. Rogers has confirmed that the shield is not a fake and has not been tampered with in any way. The training room has been secured with a deadbolt lock. Whichever team is in possession of the shield by midnight tonight will be declared the Ultimate Team/Geniuses. Are we clear?”

Brooklyn’s Finest and Earth’s Mightiest Heroes all gave a nod.

“The heist begins now!” Holt shouted, and then the sky opened up above them.

Or, more accurately, hundreds of gallons worth of rainbow glitter poured down on all of them. The latch on the vents above them had fallen to the ground and with it, glitter poured out like they were in a hurricane. Jake could feel glitter coating his hair, his leather jacket, and pooling near his feet. The glitter acted as a shimmering veil as it cascaded down, obstructing his, and everyone else’s view. He could hear muffled cursing coming from the Avengers, and Jake grinned wider. His fingers danced over the small remote, hidden in the pocket of his jacket, that he had pressed moments before.

But now was not a moment for basking in victory. Jake, and the rest of the squad, bolted.

They didn’t have a second to spare.


	4. Glitter Bombed

Peter Parker was quite sure the world had ended. If he had to go, this was the way it should be. All he could see were rainbows. Yes, that was quite fitting. Of course he would see all colors across the visual spectrum during his end.

It wasn’t until his sight came back that Peter realized that the world had not, in fact ended. He stood ankle-deep in glitter. It covered every exposed surface. The Avengers around him were comically covered head-to-toe in rainbow glitter. Peter absentmindedly wondered if he ought to upload this to his Spider-Man twitter for his fans. They’d get a kick out of this.

“Damn,” Natasha said. Peter glanced over at her. She no longer looked like a terrifying assassin in black. Her red hair sparkled in every color of the rainbow with the light. Peter tried to suppress a giggle when Natasha glanced down at her cleavage and let out a soft groan. As Peter took off his mask for a moment and shook it off, he was very glad that he had been covered in his Spider-Man suit from head to toe and had avoided getting glitter on his skin.

“Thank god I wasn’t in my suit,” Tony said. Peter snorted because glitter had found its way into Tony’s dark hair and even his goatee, so he looked like some deranged clown. Tony shook his head floppily like a wet dog, letting some glitter rain down onto the floor. It didn’t make much of a difference.

“Does having glitter in your Iron Man suit affect its functioning?” Peter asked curiously. Tony gave a non-committal shrug in reply.

Peter discreetly took out his phone and snapped a quick picture of the sparkling Avengers, hoping nobody would notice. Natasha noticed and seemed to be ignoring him, but Bucky shot Peter a glare. No doubt an image like this would tarnish the Winter Soldier’s reputation. Peter grinned cockily at Barnes in return.

What Peter failed to realize was that in the chaos, Ant-Man had disappeared. Peter hadn’t noticed he was missing until he was startled by seeing Scott pop into existence a few feet away. Scott quickly pressed open his helmet, revealing his face. He was slightly panting, with his eyes darting rapidly around the room.

“Oh, thank god that’s over,” Scott said, sounding very relieved.

“Did you… did you become small when you saw the glitter raining down?” Bruce asked curiously. Bruce looked rather unfazed by the entire ordeal, and Peter was honestly a little impressed that Bruce hadn’t turned into the Hulk.

“I panicked! Okay?” Scott yelled, looking a little disgruntled as the rest of the team shot him unimpressed looks. Poor Scott.

“Whatever. We need to focus,” Tony insisted, changing the topic. “We’re not going to let this surprise get us down. We’re the Avengers, right? We can do this. Wanda, think you can break Cap’s shield out of the training room?”

“Consider it done,” Wanda said. They waited as Wanda walked out of the room, and only twenty seconds later, she returned, shield in tow. She tossed it to Steve, who caught it in the air. “You might need some new doors on the training room,” Wanda added.

“Where are we taking this thing?” Steve asked, gesturing to the shield that was slotted onto his wrist like a second arm.

“Oh boy. I am glad you asked,” Tony said, grinning wider than any of them had ever seen. Tony led all of them to the elevator, where they got dropped off at floor twenty-three. Peter knew this tower well enough to know what was on floor twenty-three: it was Tony Stark’s personal lab.

Cap and Tony led the way, with Peter and Wanda trailing in the back. As Peter glanced at Wanda, he noticed that she was the only person not covered in glitter. She must have used her magic to get it off of her.

“You could have gotten the glitter off everyone else too,” Peter pointed out to her, as they walked side by side.

“I could have,” Wanda acknowledged. “But I didn’t.”

“You are a chaotic neutral if I ever saw one,” Peter said.

Before Wanda could respond to that assessment, they burst through the doors of Tony’s lab. It was bright, lively, and the place was scattered with an assortment of Tony’s tools, robots, and Iron Man suits. What caught Peter’s eye; however, was a ten foot by ten foot… cube in the middle of the room. That was the only way he could describe it. It was metal, and looked like it was made out of the same material as the Iron Man suits. It was red and gold, and was smooth and sophisticated. The corners were rounded, but there were too many edges for it to be considered spherical.

“This is our ultimate defense,” Tony said as a way of introduction.

“It’s a box,” Steve said flatly. Tony rolled his eyes at him.

“Please Cap, have a little imagination,” Tony said. “This is possibly the most sophisticated protection I could give your precious shield. It’s made from nanotech, the same as my suits, and it even has a vibranium weave, courtesy of Shuri. Nothing is breaking into this. It’s programmed with all of my information, such as my voice, retinal scans, fingerprints, and other body analytics, and will only open if it acknowledges all of these elements. It is capable of making a full body scan. In short, it can only open if I’m in the room. It can collect all of this data from across the room. Additionally, it can be programmed with the data of enemies as well. I have the retinal scans of all nine members of the Brooklyn squad on here, and if it detects any of them in the room, it will make a blaring alarm throughout the Tower.”

Peter gaped at the box in amazement. Tony had really outdone himself this time. There was no way anybody could break into this. Everyone around him had dropped jaws as well. Steve wordlessly handed the shield to Tony, but he was the only one who didn’t look a little gobsmacked. Peter supposed that after a certain point in life, you stopped being amazed by everything.

“How’d you get the squad’s retinal scans?” Peter asked.

“You didn’t think my last few visits to their precinct was purely social, did you?” Tony asked.

“Um… yes?” Peter said hesitantly. Looking back on it though, he clearly should have expected that.

“Why is it so big?” Sam asked.

“Simple. When I built it, I didn’t know what object we would be stealing. I had to account for having larger objects than Steve’s shield,” Tony said. With the round of questions concluded, Tony turned his attention back to the box.

“Open,” Tony said, and it was fascinating to see the cube slowly unravel itself, pieces unwrapping as smoothly as magic. When it was done, there was only a small, one foot tall outline of the box around the floor. Tony easily stepped inside, placed the shield on the ground, and stepped back out. When Tony said “close” the metal encased the area again, trapping the shield inside.

“What now? We’re pretty much done,” Bucky asked.

“They’ll definitely try to get in here though,” Tony pointed out. “They won’t succeed in getting in, but it would be stupid for them to not at least try. That’s why this place needs to be guarded.”

“Buck and I can do it,” Cap suggested. “Nothing will get past us.”

“Sounds good,” Tony said. “You want to take the reigns?”

Steve nodded at Tony, and then began hashing out their strategy. “Right. Scott, you’re one of our greatest assets. Find out where the Brooklyn team is hiding, go tiny, and spy on them. Report back to us once you find out anything useful and we can move from there. Wanda, create a ruckus and distract the squad. Try to split them up, if you can. Nat, Sam, take down any stragglers. If you can pick off each member of the squad one by one, that would make things a lot easier for us. Tony, I take it you have lots of tech that can be planted around the tower to create traps?” Tony nodded. “In that case, Bruce, stay here and help Tony. You’re the only one who can understand him, and he might need help setting things up. And Peter, stay here with us for the moment. You know the team from Brooklyn best. You can provide us with intel and try to predict their moves. By the time we’re done with them, they’re going to know why they call us the Avengers.”

Peter nodded, and he could see everyone else nodding around him. There was something truly epic about the way Steve said his speeches. He really made you want to listen. There was something about his calm, steady voice that really drew them in.

Steve tossed out comms to all of them, and they scrambled to put them on their ears.

He saw Bucky and Sam smirking at each other confidently. They had this heist in the bag.


	5. In Tony Stark's Personal Bathroom

“Oh god, oh god, this glitter is everywhere. It’s like bugs, but worse. This is going to take us so long to clean!” Amy said, freaking out and frantically trying to scrub glitter out of her hair. When she was done rubbing her hair, she still had copious amounts of glitter in it, except now her hair was all rumpled too.

Jake struggled to keep his laugh down – he figured that laughing at his wife’s discomfort would probably be bad manners – and instead looked around the bathroom they were all standing in. Tony Stark’s _ personal _ bathroom. Despite the fact that all nine of them were in one bathroom, it wasn’t cramped at all. The room was large enough to have all of them in there, and then some. Between the largest shower Jake had ever seen, a bathtub that looked more like a small pool, a wall that was dedicated to just towel racks, and a large counter space that was devoted to just one sink, it was clear that this place belonged to a billionaire. Not to mention the chandelier dangling from the ceiling and the fact that this place was larger than most people’s bedrooms.

Jake was distracted from taking this all by Charles slapping him on the back and saying, “Jake, you genius! How did you get all the glitter up there?”

At last. The moment he had been waiting for. His grin resembled that of an evil genius. “Oh, my friend, I’m glad you asked. Five months ago my good friend Spider-Man invited me to the tower, and it was there where I laid my trap. We ate a lot of food and I snuck laxatives into everything he ate. When he went to the bathroom, I did my work. He was in the bathroom for _ hours _,” Jake said gleefully.

“You poisoned Spider-Man!?” Amy shouted.

“He’s a superhero! He has a healing factor! He was fine… eventually… after a few days…” Jake quickly trailed off. To his surprise, Amy kissed him on the lips.

“I’m proud of you,” she said.

“Are we actually going to steal this thing or are we just watching the two of them make out?” Rosa asked, making her presence known.

“Hey!” Jake, Amy, and Charles said together. Charles in particular looked very offended.

“Other than seeing what brand shaving cream Stark uses to keep his goatee beautiful, why are we in here?” Gina asked. Gina was standing in front of the sink with the medicine cabinet wide open, and until that moment, had been rapidly taking pictures of every bottle there. Her phone was still out, and she was eagerly scrolling through her pictures.

“This will be our headquarters. No one will think to look for us in here,” Jake said. He’d come up with this spot a few months ago, as he was looking through the Tower floorplans. Nobody would be expecting them to hide here.

“Yeah, nobody will find us unless Tony Stark needs to go to the bathroom,” Rosa stated.

“He’s going to be heisting, not spending time on his personal floor,” Jake argued.

“Peralta,” Holt said, speaking up at last.

“Right, sorry Captain.” Jake said.

Captain Raymond Holt, their leader and his pseudo father figure, stood tall and proud. With the way his demeanor seemed, he looked like he could be delivering an epic speech. Of course, the outline of a showerhead behind him and the sparkling glitter on his uniform ruined that image.

Holt cleared his throat. “At this point, the Avengers have taken the shield and will most likely have taken it to Stark’s personal lab. It’s the most secure location in Avengers tower. Other than that, we know very little of their plans. Diaz, you will slip into the vents until you are over Stark’s lab and then give a report on the defenses they have set up. Santiago, you will direct Diaz over the comms.”

“Yes captain,” Amy said, giving him a sort of awkward salute and then pulling out the Tower floor plans.

“Boyle, I need you here in place for when I give you the go-ahead to contact your assets. We’ll do that once we have the Avengers’ locations. Hitchcock, Scully, just… stay here. It would be best.”

At this, everyone looked over at the pair of seasoned detectives, which was a mistake. Scully was sitting on the toilet with his pants down, and Hitchcock was completely naked in a now-filled bathtub.

“WHY!?” Terry asked, as Jake sighed in relief that he couldn’t see either of their junk. Scully had a newspaper open, covering most of him up, and Hitchcock’s bath was filled with bubbles. Jake saw nothing except for Hitchock’s bare chest, which was nothing new. He saw Hitchcock shirtless more often than he saw him with a shirt.

“When you have to go, you have to go. It’s your fault we’re in a bathroom,” Scully argued. They all cringed at the sound of… _ feces _... falling into the toilet.

“That’s disgusting,” Amy said, her face a bit green.

“The toilet paper is some of the best I’ve ever felt,” Hitchcock added, from where he was in the bathtub.

“Hitchcock, you’re not even on the toilet. How would you know that?” Jake asked, but then immediately regretted the question.

“We tested it immediately when we came in here,” Scully explained.

“The rest of you don’t have your priorities straight,” Hitchcock added.

“Captain, how about you continue your orders and we try to forget this ever happened,” Jake begged. He only hoped Tony Stark would never find out what had transpired here.

Holt inclined his head and said, “Gina, you have very unique talents in that you have been stalking the Avengers for years across their social media platforms.”

“How’d you know that?” Gina said, not breaking from her picture-taking of everything in Stark’s bathroom.

“Gina, the day we met, you told me I wasn’t as hot as Black Widow, therefore I ‘wasn’t worthy’ to be in your presence,” Amy said, exasperated.

“Clearly our first meeting wasn’t impactful enough on my life for me to remember it,” Gina responded, smirking.

“Gina, you will use your knowledge of the Avengers to divide them. There has been several public incidents over the past several years ago. Maximoff may have lingering tensions with Stark over her family’s deaths. Barnes killed Stark’s parents. Feelings are still damaged from Stark and Roger’s big fallout. Use that knowledge,” Holt ordered.

“Captain?” Terry asked. “Are you sure that utilizing deeply traumatic events to drive a wedge in the Avengers, thus possibly creating an international incident, is a good idea?”

“Yes,” Captain Holt said. “Additionally, Terrance, you will be defending Gina. She’s a useful asset; we can’t afford to lose her.”

“Captain, I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but those are the _ Avengers _,” Terry said. “There’s no way I can win.”

“Then why do you have those muscles?” Gina asked.

“They’re the _ Avengers _,” Terry repeated, desperately. “Terry doesn’t fight superheroes.”

“This is your first official test as a Lieutenant in this squad,” Holt said. “Make me proud.”

That finally shut Terry up. He drew himself up, and gave Holt a salute. “Yes, sir.”

With the conclusion of those orders, only Jake was left. “Peralta, you will be with me. We will need to strategize once Diaz’s reports on the shield’s protection comes through. Now, Diaz, you can go and try to find the shield. We need that information as soon as possible. The rest of you, stay put for just the next few minutes.”

Rosa nodded, and finally tore down the vent covering above the sink. She nimbly pulled herself up into the vent, as silently and gracefully as a ballerina. Within seconds, she was no longer visible.

“Why is everyone else waiting here before they leave?” Amy asked.

I have a package delivery in-” -Holt checked his watch- “-four minutes and thirteen seconds that will greatly help all of you in your missions.” Before they could ask for any further details, Holt opened the door to the bathroom and walked into the hallway. He stopped abruptly, and whispered, “Oh no.”

Of course, the rest of them scrambled out of the bathroom to see what had caused such a shocking display of emotion in Captain Holt.

Glitter lined the path from their spot in the bathroom, down the hallway, to the elevator. They had left a trail.

For the Avengers, it would be like following breadcrumbs.


	6. The First Alliance

When Natasha exited Tony’s lab after his dramatic reveal of the shield’s defenses, she beelined for the elevator. She’d been ordered to take down the Brooklyn 99 squad one by one, but she needed to find them first. Sure, she could wait for Wanda to draw them out, but this was what she loved best. Tracking. There was nothing like her good ol-fashioned assassin skills being put to use. Of course, when she was learning how to hunt people down as a little girl in Russia, she never imagined that her skills would be put towards taking down Brooklyn cops for bragging purposes. Life was strange sometimes.

Natasha started at the source of the crime: the glitter bomb. When she arrived, she glanced around for any sign where the Brooklyn squad might have gone. She deduced within seconds that the squad had made for the elevator the second glitter started raining down, as they had left behind a fairly obvious line of glitter. It was like following breadcrumbs, but even better, because the breadcrumbs were bright and sparkled in the light.

Natasha stepped into the glitter-filled elevator, and realized that whichever floor the detectives went to would leave a clear glitter trail. She’d be able to open the elevator, floor by floor, until she found them. Man, this was going to be her easiest tracking job ever.

She was very methodical, going up one by one. Steve’s floor. Nope. Wanda’s floor. Nope. Bruce’s floor. No to that as well. Her floor. No…

...But she hesitated before closing the elevator doors once more. There was no sign of glitter, true. But her assassin’s ears had picked up on something else. A slight rattle. She stepped out of the elevator. She could hear someone above her in the ceiling. It was faint; they were careful. But they were no assassin.

They were moving. The Black Widow followed closely under them, and silently unsheathed a few of her throwing stars. She concentrated on the movement. Their footsteps were light, delicate… like a ballerina’s. This was Rosa Diaz.

Of course, only a ballerina would know what another ballerina sounded like. But Natasha didn’t talk about that part of her life. The only thing that mattered was that she could identify her easily.

First, Natasha pulled out a miniature EMP out of her belt. It had a very short range, and would likely only take out the lights in this room and the communicator in Diaz’s ear. Natasha could hear soft, panicked hissing and knew that she had succeeded. Rosa was cut off from the world. After another moment of concentration, Natasha threw several of her throwing stars up in rapid succession. She knew they were in spots that wouldn’t actually hit Diaz, but it would startle her. Natasha heard Diaz freeze. Then she began to fall.

Natasha had, of course, been targeting spots that would weaken the integrity of the drywall and cause the whole thing to come crashing down.

Rosa Diaz lay at her feet, pieces of paint stuck in her hair and underneath her. Dust rose from the location of the crash. Rosa stood up, dusted herself off, and glared at Natasha.

“Pleasure to meet you,” Natasha said pleasantly.

Rosa shot Natasha a dazzling, over-the-top, fake smile. Cute, but fake.

“Oh my gosh, it’s an Avenger,” Rosa said in a high voice, her tone laced with sarcasm. In the next moment, Rosa was reaching for a knife hidden in her leather jacket.

Natasha had Diaz in a chokehold immediately. Rosa, thankfully, didn’t struggle too much. She seemed to recognize that it would be difficult to overpower the Black Widow.

“What were you doing in the vents?” Natasha hissed at her. She had already figured out what Diaz was up to, but she was curious to see what Diaz’s answer would be. It was a good way to get a measure of a person.

“I was just a little lost traveler,” Rosa said mockingly without missing a beat, and Natasha released her hold just enough so Diaz could yank herself free. Rosa spun around, facing Natasha, pulling another knife from her jacket and pointed it right at Natasha’s face. Neither of them blinked.

Natasha broke the tense air. “I have a proposition.”

Rosa didn’t budge. “Shoot,” she said.

“I’ll tell you everything about Stark’s defenses. You tell me what Holt and Peralta are planning.”

Rosa didn’t waver, but her eyes were alight with suspicion. “You would ask me to betray my squad?”

“Think of it more as switching partnerships. We both know Stark and Holt will be bending over backwards to beat each other. I for one don’t want to see Stark win. He’ll never shut up about it.” Natasha paused, hoping that she played her cards right. She could see the light in Diaz beginning to shift.

“An alliance,” Rosa summarized.

“Indeed,” Natasha said.

Rosa withdrew her knife and placed it back in the inside pocket of her jacket. Natasha suppressed a smile as Rosa held out her hand. It was a short, terse shake, but it was the best Natasha could hope for under the circumstances.

“What is Stark up to?” Diaz asked.

“He and some of his team are in his lab, building booby traps to put into place around the tower. The shield is there, protected.”

“How is it protected?” Diaz said, who had now changed into a much more relaxed state. She was leaning on the wall, arms loosely crossed, one knee bent.

“Stark created the ultimate protection. The shield’s in the lab with him in a case coated in vibranium. It has voice recognition, touch identification, retinal scans. It’s guarded by several Avengers. Only Stark himself can open it, and it’s programmed with your retinal scans so that it will send out a warning if any of you are in sight.” It was killing Natasha to be brutally honest with Rosa - Stark would kill her if he knew that she’d told Rosa everything - but she needed Rosa to trust her.

Rosa shrugged. “It shouldn’t be a problem. Stark made the mistake of making sure he can open it. Just have to trick him into doing it.”

“Exactly my thought,” Natasha said, nodding, glad to see that they were on the wavelength. Finally, someone who spoke her language. No superpowers, just confidence and trickery. “But I don’t want your crew throwing any wrenches into whatever plan I create. Any idea what Holt and Peralta are up to?”

“Not yet, though Holt has a package delivery downstairs in the lobby. It should be coming about now.”

Natasha let a small smile escape onto her face. “Let’s go check it out.”

The two women summoned the elevator, and Natasha’s hand briefly rested on Rosa’s back when she ushered the detective inside. Natasha gave another soft smile when she saw the blush creeping along Rosa’s cheeks. Oh, this was going to be too easy.

Natasha had to admit she was a little impressed when she saw Rosa stop the elevator the floor before the lobby, and pry open the top of the elevator with an Allen wrench. Like her, Rosa seemed to have an endless supply of materials hidden in her outfit. She’d make a good assassin, and Nat truly meant that as a compliment.

Rosa disappeared in the hatch above the elevator, but she came back down only a few minutes later. She had a backpack with her, which she ripped open. There were wigs, dresses, and uniforms. Natasha spotted a S.H.I.E.L.D. uniform in there and her respect for the detective increased tenfold. She had honestly underestimated Rosa, and Natasha was an incredible good judge of a person. This was rare for her.

“When did you hide it?” Natasha asked.

“Snuck it here when Spider-Man invited me to the tower. Spidey was… indisposed.”

“Excess laxatives in his food?” Natasha guessed. She remembered the time when Peter had been poisoned with laxatives twice in one month. The bathroom on that floor had stunk for days, and Stark was really concerned for Peter’s health. Stark never figured out who did it, but Nat had realized that it corresponded with visits by the police detectives.

Peter was thoroughly embarrassed by the whole incident.

Diaz nodded with a scowl on her face. “Jake stole my idea. I don’t know how he knew what I was up to, but he did the same exact thing.”

Natasha ran her fingers over the S.H.I.E.L.D. emblem on the uniform to the rest of the blazer. It was good. Really, really good. The skin-tight leather suit resembled the one she used to wear. But… Natasha fingered the stitching on it. It wasn’t quite right. The stitching wasn’t of the poor quality typical of mass manufacturers. And the color of the thread was off. It was closer to navy, rather than black.

“You made this yourself,” Natasha accused. It was almost a perfect replica in every respect, except for the stitching. Nobody but someone with Natasha’s eye for detail would notice that.

“I like to sew,” Rosa said. “You tell anyone, and this alliance is off. They may or may not find your body.”

Natasha smirked. She loved death threats. Whenever she was received one, it never failed to brighten her day. Some people glowed under compliments. She preferred the opposite.

The next few minutes Rosa and Natasha worked on creating their disguises. Rosa was going to be a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, and Natasha was a Stark Industries employees. Nat decided to use a facial hologram to make their disguises even more convincing. She hadn’t used it since the Triskelion incident. It was technically S.H.I.E.L.D. property, as Maria Hill was the one who gave it to her, but with the organization’s collapse, her continued possession had gone unnoticed.

When the elevator doors opened, the pair of them quickly separated. Rosa set off towards the front, pulling out a phone and pretending to talk on it. Natasha lingered near the front desk, asking the security guard a few innocuous questions. She pretended to be a single mom, asking the guard if she could bring her three-year-old child to work the next day. She wasn’t paying close attention to his response, as her focus was on Captain Holt.

Holt approached a man with copper hair and a beard, holding a rather large cardboard box. Natasha had done her reading so she instantly recognized the man as Kevin Cozner, Holt’s husband.

“You’re late,” Kevin commented as a greeting.

“My apologies. There was an incident with a glitter trail that had to be cleaned up,” Holt explained.

“I won’t ask,” Kevin said. “What’s the object of this heist?”

“Captain America’s shield,” Holt told him.

“Appropriate. And that’s something I wouldn’t mind hanging above our bed. Make me proud, Raymond.” Kevin passed the package over to Holt, and as they shook hands, Natasha couldn’t help but feel like she was witnessing a very intimate moment. That was ridiculous, as she’d seen much worse than handshakes in her time as a spy, but the moment seemed more… touching than she expected.

When Kevin left through the doors of Stark Tower, Holt opened his package in the hallway. A rare twitch of emotion came onto the face of Raymond Holt. A smile.

Rosa went into action. She walked by, still pretending to be chattering into her phone, and roughly hit Holt’s shoulder. The package fell out of his arms, and spilled onto the ground.

“Oh, I am so sorry,” Rosa said using a thick New Yorker accent. She bent down to help pick it up.

“It’s no problem at all, ma’am” Holt said, bending down with her. As they brushed fingers, Holt suddenly grabbed Rosa wrist, and in one fluid motion pulled the wig off of Rosa’s head. “Or should I say... ROSA DIAZ!” Holt said triumphantly.

Natasha rolled her eyes at Holt’s dramatic antics. One thing she hadn’t realized from reading Holt’s file was that he was a drama queen. She should have come to this realization sooner. She was a spy, shouldn’t she know these things?

“How long have you been planning your betrayal?” Holt asked her.

“Three months,” Rosa said. “I knew I had to take all of you down. I’m one of the few people on the squad who hasn’t won a heist yet. Even Terry’s won!”

“Diaz, you have disappointed me,” Holt said.

Natasha tuned out their bickering as she focused on analyzing the package that had spilled out onto the floor. Luckily for her, Holt hadn’t blown her cover yet and was currently distracted with Rosa.

Dozens of small red and blue discs were in the box, and a few of them spilled out onto the floor. Natasha studied them for a moment. They looked familiar… hadn’t she seen Scott use them before? If she remembered correctly, the red discs made objects smaller and the blue discs made them larger.

There was a note in the box, and Natasha grabbed the note, half a dozen discs, and made her retreat. Holt still hadn’t noticed anything, as he was too busy reprimanding Rosa. Natasha retreated to the bathroom, and opened up the note.

_ Captain Holt- _

_ It would be an absolute pleasure to help you during the heist. Here’s some technology developed by my dad that I think you’ll find useful. You can shrink or grow any object with these discs. The red ones shrink, the blue ones grow. _

_ Please use them against Scott and tell him this is payback for not inviting me to the heist or Germany. He never invites me to anything. _

_ Enjoy! _

_ -Hope Van Dyne _

Damn. Natasha had met Hope a few times, and Hope was most certainly a certified badass. She had wondered about her absence, but she presumed that Hope was simply unavailable. Apparently not. Now the Avengers would be paying for their mistake.

She figured Captain Holt wouldn’t miss the note. She didn’t think he knew the note existed. Besides, this would be fun to show Rosa later. Of course, that was assuming that Rosa wouldn’t kill her for abandoning her to Holt.

At the moment, Natasha heard a large explosion above her head. By her estimation, it originated from at least twenty floors above them. Several people in the lobby screamed and the alarm blared, forcing people to evacuate.

This must be Wanda’s distraction. It was later than she expected. Safely disguised, Natasha headed towards the stairs. In the flurry of activity, nobody noticed that she was headed up instead of down.

She had left Rosa to the wolves. Natasha felt a bit squeamish with guilt. She had always planned on betraying Rosa and leaving her once she served her purpose. So why did she feel so guilty? She shouldn’t be feeling this. It was all just a stupid game, it wasn’t like Natasha had legitimately betrayed her… wasn’t it?

Rosa had surprised her. She was cleverer and smarter than she expected. Plus, she was kind of hot.

Guilt was clawing at her chest - something that rarely happened - but she forced herself to compartmentalize her emotions. She got what she needed. She had knowledge of one of the Brooklyn squad’s hidden weapons - had even stolen some of it - and drew a rift in the group, which was far more effective than just taking them out one by one. Now they’d have trust issues and throw around accusations. Natasha had done it. She was good.

Right?


	7. Revenge of the Forgotten

Wanda Maximoff was a bit pissed off. Here she was, probably the most powerful Avenger, and she was relegated to being… a distraction? It was simply insulting. Sure, she was forbidden from reading minds, but she still had the rest of her magic. She could turn the whole tower into a ball of rubble in seconds.

Of course, that would be rather counter-productive. They had the shield. The detectives didn’t have a chance against their defenses. Stark and Rogers were off stroking their egos. Cap would deny he had an ego, of course, but he did. They all did. That’s what happens when you’re among the most powerful people on the planet.

Some days she felt more respected when she worked for Ultron. And he wanted to destroy the planet. That was pretty sad.

She wished Vision was around, at least. But he had yet to celebrate Halloween the traditional American way, and so he was out in the city tonight amongst the partyers and trick-or-treaters. Wanda couldn’t exactly blame him. It was the only night a year that Vision could walk around in his natural form and not get stared at.

Stark had tried to bribe Vision with a giant, ten-foot tall jack-o-lantern to stay and help them tonight. It hadn’t worked. Now the jack-o-lantern was stuffed in one of Stark’s spare rooms somewhere. She pitied the poor soul who stumbled upon that horrifying monstrosity. Its eyes were the creepiest.

Wanda finally set off from Stark’s lab, headed towards the elevator. She needed to find a good location to do her ‘distraction’. Whatever. Finding the Brooklyn squad would probably be more interesting.

“Want any help?” a voice offered. Wanda looked around. It was Sam. He had always been kind to her.

“No thanks,” Wanda said, giving him a soft smile. Sam nodded back at her, and he headed down a different hallway. Wanda stood for a moment, watching him go. Then she headed back towards the elevator.

Wanda pried open the door to the elevator shaft and used her magic to lift herself up. She’d recently found out that this was an easier way of traveling rather than waiting for the elevator itself. As she rose up, contemplating about how exactly she was going to pull off this distraction, she paused. Was that… a vacuum?

It was coming from Tony Stark’s floor. Who the hell was vacuuming in Tony’s place? She had seen Tony only minutes ago, in his lab, showing off. A man such as Tony would never be caught dead vacuuming.

Wanda entered one floor below Tony’s, onto Steve’s floor, and then sneakily went up the stairs so she could enter Tony’s place without blasting the doors apart. She rounded the corner - man, Tony kept his place very neat. She especially loved the bar.

When she peered around the doorway, she saw almost all of the people in the Brooklyn squad. Luckily for her, all their backs were to her.

The large muscular black man - she wasn’t sure who he was - was the one vacuuming. He appeared to be vacuuming up a lot of glitter. There was a brown-haired woman on her phone, looking bored out of her mind, and then there was also the only one she knew, Jake Peralta. Jake was talking to his friend, the short guy.

Yes, she knew they had all introduced themselves earlier. It wasn’t her fault she didn’t remember any of their names. Maybe she’d remember their names better if they were more unique.

“Boyles don’t defend themselves well,” the man - Boyle - was explaining.

“They don’t but - you’re a cop! That’s your job description!” Jake was saying. “You take down the bad guys! In this case, the bad guys happen to also be heroes, but that’s besides the point.”

“I don’t take down the super bad guys,” Boyle was explaining. “If I go to the Avengers with them, I will be kidnapped. I’d make an excellent kidnapping victim.”

“No, Boyle! You’ll save everyone! Remember a few Christmases ago? From the robbery in the store? We were all kidnapped, and you saved us.”

“Yippie-kayak other buckets,” Boyle said happily.

“That’s the spirit!” Jake said, and he clapped Boyle on the back. “Don’t worry, you’ll protect them from harm. We just need to wait till we have the Avengers’ location. I’ll check with Amy on where Rosa’s with that.” Jake walked away in the opposite direction.

“I’ll tell them the updates,” Boyle said, holding up his cell phone.

Wanda held her breath and slunk behind a corner as Boyle started walking towards her, presumably to find a quieter spot away from the vacuum and make a call. When Boyle rounded the corner they both froze, eyes locked with one another for a few terrifying moments.

“GIN-” Boyle started to say, but then Wanda used her magic to snap his mouth shut. She wanted to use her magic to cause him to fall asleep, but she was fairly certain that counted as mind magic, which she was forbidden from doing. She could knock him out, but she didn’t want to do that either. She wasn’t skilled in the art of causing painless unconsciousness without her mind magic, and she didn’t want to hurt him.

Luckily for her, her problem was solved when Boyle passed out. Guess he didn’t experience magic every day.

“Weak,” someone said, and Wanda whirled around to see the brown-haired bored girl looking at her. She must have sneaked up on her when Wanda was agonizing over what to do with Boyle.

“Who are you?” Wanda asked.

“Gina Linetti, either your worst nightmare or your greatest ally. You choose.” Oh, that must have been who Boyle called out to. She must have heard and come over when Wanda was deciding what to do with him.

“There are Avengers in this building. I don’t think you’re my greatest ally,” Wanda replied, hoping she sounded as haughty as she hoped.

“My case rests,” was Gina’s response. “Your loss.” Gina turned to walk away. Wanda stared at her retreating back.

“Wait!” Wanda said. As Gina turned around, Wanda found her mouth feeling a little dry. She wasn’t sure what to say. That she was a little bitter? That she felt used? Why would she tell this girl that? And why did she feel drawn to this person that she’d never met?

“I’d rather you be my ally than a nightmare,” Wanda offered.

A grin split across the other woman’s face. “Excellent. I’ve had ideas for ages. My brilliance is underappreciated here. I’m a Beyoncé, not a Solange. I’ve won a heist before, but for some reason Jake, Amy, and Holt are the planners.”

“Exactly!” Wanda said. “I’m one of the most powerful Avengers. Yet they barely included me in the process.” Finally, someone understood.

Wanda would like to say she wasn’t startled by what happened next. She had a reputation to uphold. But if she said that, then she’d be lying.

“Are we doing an alliance? I’m in,” Scott said, who had just… appeared there. He quickly popped off his helmet to his Ant-Man suit and looked pretty nonchalant.

“What are you doing here?” Wanda asked, trying to cover up her moment of shock.

“Stark told me to find the Brooklyn 99 squad and spy on them,” Scott said, shrugging. “Once I found their glitter trail, it was pretty easy.”

“Who’re you?” Gina asked, looking uninterested as she gazed critically at the man. Evidently his little growing trick didn’t faze her.

“See, exactly! This is what I get. I’m Ant-Man, and no one even knows who I am. I’m fairly certain Stark has forgotten my name several times by now,” Scott said, huffing.

“So if the three of us team up…” Wanda began.

“Then we’ll be underestimated,” Scott said, grinning. “I like where we’re going with this. What’s the plan?”

“A little pizzazz, a little distraction, and the trademark Gina Linetti style. It’s time to let this beautiful butterfly stretch her wings,” Gina said. “First, I need what you know.”

Wanda told her everything - where the shield was, the protections around it, what she knew of Rogers’s plans. Luckily for her, Wanda was gifted at memory, so gave quite a few details on the shield’s box and the impenetrable vibranium that surrounded it.

“It’s impossible to get through,” Scott summed up.

“And that’s why you can’t succeed without me,” Gina said. “Stark made several big mistakes.”

“What are they?” Wanda asked, leaning in.

“He thinks he has the power of Regina George. But he’s forgetting that Regina was betrayed by the other Plastics.”

“I have… no idea what you just said,” Scott said, and Wanda privately agreed. This woman bewildered her. Yet, Wanda couldn’t help but instinctively trust that she could pull this off. 

“Stark prepared himself against the Brooklyn detectives. He didn’t prepare for other members of the Avengers,” Gina said. “Now let me just grab my purse. Everything I need is in there.”

When she grabbed her purse, the three of them set off to the floor which held Stark’s lab, and began discussing their plan. As Gina talked, Wanda learned three things.

One, Gina wasn’t exactly modest. Two, Gina kept a lot of things in her purse. Three, she was rather brilliant.

When Wanda used her magic to rock the floor under her feet and cause an explosion loud enough to shatter all the glass, she smiled. The game had begun.

The Avengers wouldn’t know what hit them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy everything-is-closed-because-of-corona-so-I-have-time-to-work-on-this... weeks? Month? Months?
> 
> Seriously, stay safe, remember to social distance, don't leave your home unless you absolutely have to. Even if you don't feel sick at all, coronavirus can spread to other people through those who have it but aren't showing any symptoms. The best thing you can do is to just stay home.
> 
> Wishing you all well. <3


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